Metamorphosis: step 1

This has been quite a week. It began with the end of my career at starbucks, which was bittersweet. That was accompanied by the inevitable sense of doom associated with leaving the familiar and embarking on the unfamiliar.

I had not considered the psychological effects of my vocational change. In the space of a day I went from respected elder statesman in a world of 20 year olds, to neophyte in a world of 40-50 somethings. All of a sudden I was a grownup (or at least expected to be). For the last few semesters I had jokingly referred to my teaching/observing persona as "Mr. Bruce", and spoke of him as a separate entity. On Tuesday I had to wear "Mr. Bruce" most of the day, and then the rest of the week.

Mr. Bruce wears ties. In fact, he more than wears them, he loves them. He feels sorry for people who don't.

I remember one of my odd phases while I was in the military, at age 19/20 feeling very grown up and having a fixation with ties. I used to sit around the house watching tv on my days off, in clothes that my new coworkers would think are too "dressy" to wear to work. I was doing my best "grownup" impersonation. In a way I still am, but I have gotten better at it.

This past week has been an eye opener. I am hooked and I want more. This week wasn't work at all (which is good, because nobody is paying me). I took home papers to grade for the two classes I taught on Friday, and laughed and enjoyed the process of covering them with red pen. Some kids write/say the darndest things (others just sit there and stare at you) and you can make them do things (its amazing).

I am also adjusting to a new daily schedule. I have been getting up at 530/545 to run with the dog, and then I have to leave by 645 because of traffic to get there around 730. Then all day long I am figuring out which bell is what, and because the school uses block scheduling I only have each class every other day. And I have no 7th period, it is my prep, which means that I am done with students around 150 and am then at the mercy of my master teacher. With few exceptions I am not allowed to leave before her (this is not a serious problem, as she has 2 school age sons and is not particularly keen to hang around past 3pm). I have a weekly class for student teachers at CSULB on Wed. evenings, and a few miscellaneous extra curricular activities that I must observe, but otherwise I am usually home by 415-430. I have the evenings to myself and go to bed around 11. It is bizarrely normal when compared to what I have done for the past several years.

The science department head, who in the short time I have known him I have come to respect quite a bit, asked me on Friday, "So, you feel like a teacher yet?"

My response was, "A little more every day." which I followed up with "Hey Bob, where's your tie!"

P.S. Mr. Bruce uses capital letters.

The upcoming New World Order.

I am not what you would call a "nervous person". My response to stress tends toward the narcoleptic rather than the manic. And while I lack anxiety, i am chock full of anxiousness. I have a desire to get things going that makes me crazy waiting for a new adventure. The worst part of bungee jumping was walking up the stairs. So i find myself in this situation presently, running the clock out on my 5 year stint at starbucks, and waiting to start student teaching--exactly 2 weeks from today.

I feel ready to jump into it. I have no idea what to expect or have prepared, because I have no idea what is on the other side of that two week wall. I will learn quickly (i suspect) what is necessary, but at this point i have so little to go on that i have been watching movies and starting a new book--which i will undoubtedly not finish until after the semester is over. (Its a history of the papacy, so i kinda know how it ends--its a german guy who says questionably offensive things).

My preparations have included: packing an unpacking my briefcase, trying to break in said briefcase (thanks mom and dad, i will love it forever), polishing my shoes, buying some new "grown up" clothes, and occasionally looking at the teacher's edition of the textbook-which, to be honest i do not care for (i wish i had the student edition, too much extra crap in the margins). frankly i'm a little bored.

But i will come back here in two weeks and let you know how it went.

Gone to be with Jesus

For the third and (hopefully) final installment of my morbid summer: My grandmother passed away suddenly on Sunday morning. I have been at pains on how to address it here, or even whether or not to, but I felt this might give the appearance of a slight to my family, as i have rambled on about those unrelated to me and their recent passing.

If you want the story of her life-read the obituary.

If you want the story of how she passed-ask my mother.

If you want to know how amazing a woman she was-attend the service.

I am only going to tell you why her absence hurts (me).

She was the last of my grandparents to die. Which gives her death a false sense of importance over all the ones who went before. I miss her as a person, and Colleen, Clayton, Darlene, and Karl, as one conglomeration of generational sadness at the loss.

My grandparents died at large intervals, and my memories of them shift like shadows as my perception of them ages. My understanding of them as people, complex and interesting, developed with time. I regret that Colleen who passed when I was barely into high school, is the least colored in of all of them. She died when grandparents were only satellites that orbit around their grandchildren-or at least that is the view from the grandchild's perspective.

Grandma Lois lasted long enough for me to appreciate her on an adult level. There would always be some deference to the familial roles we represented to each other, and the vast disparity of our ages, but i could talk to her, and she to me. we lived at a distance that maintained the gravitational attraction of conversation and visits, and kept the desire to see each other from being crushed by the mundanity of constant contact. I knew how she felt about me, and she knew how I felt about her.

I will always wish I had more time with her, but that is a sign of love. If I could have been satisfied with our time together, i wouldn't miss her as i do. You don't really love someone if, when they die, you say "well, i'd had about enough of them anyway."

We had lately discovered dominos, and would play into the night after my parents went to bed. It was something we could share, and work at together. I will miss those hours.

She was a sweet and generous soul, who loved Jesus, babies and her family. It sounds trite, I know, that's what all little old ladies love, but it is the truth. And if I know anyone who has ever deserved to be with Jesus it is my Grandma Lois. And she'd want you and i to join her.

customer service

Today was the funeral service for one of my regular customers from starbucks. And while i will mention her name (Margot Harvey), this post is larger than her loss. I will be leaving starbucks to begin student teaching at the end of the summer, and have been reflecting on my 5 years with the company. Margot represents the best that the job had to offer. Over the four years at my first store in Tustin, I got to know a wonderful group of people who have all left a mark on my heart. Some of those people were coworkers, and some were customers who could have just come in for their morning cup of coffee, paid, and left. Some of those thousands of people who waited in my line did more than that.

As a job, starbucks was a steady predictable (if occasionally menial) part of my life. I was fairly compensated and treated well by all, and allowed to be my own peculiar self ({mostly}within dress code). What i will take away was the community i felt with my customers/neighbors, who i genuinely looked forward to seeing each day (and some of the ones i didn't).

Margot, the star of today's post (if there is such a thing), once caught me riding to/from work without a helmet, and gave me a hard time about it for a week, and then turned up one day with a brand new helmet she bought for me. (i did briefly wear it when i thought she might see me).

Harry loaned me his flatbed truck for a few days when we moved across town to our current apartment.

Sal got me a case of pig's feet on short notice so meg could teach a suturing workshop. And always remembered me around the holidays.

These are only a few prominent examples, and there are many more who offered me nothing more than a sympathetic ear, or pleasant conversation, but all of them generous in their own way. These are the people I will miss. The people who made my job pleasant.

I encourage you, dear reader (using a plural here just seems like hubris), to be one of those people to somebody insignificant in your life. make them more significant. it's always good to have one more person speak well of you when you are gone.

in passing

Today i attended a memorial service for meg's boss/mentor/friend. Her name was Dr. Marianne Cinat, and she was by all accounts an impressive woman. i knew her only socially, we had dinner a few times and sat at the same tables for hospital functions, and she was a humorous and kind person. the world is a little worse off for her departure.

While all of the above could certainly justify my attendance, i mostly went in support of meg. But i would be ignoring my curiosity, and selfish reasons if i did not disclose them: I wanted to see the future.

I have been to what i imagine are an average number of funerals/memorials for my age. I still prefer them to weddings--nobody goes to a funeral unless they want to, its not really a "can i bring a date" scene. But i have never been to such an enormous service. It filled two conference rooms in the doubletree hotel (across the street from the hospital). Multiple fire departments had firetrucks out front in an impressive show of force, many of the firemen in dress uniforms filled the hall. Police officers, city officials, hospital staff, friends, only her sister made the trip out from the family home in Michigan, where the funeral will be held. Many of her patients were actually in the audience, or had sent in emails and cards with their condolences, some got up to speak.

It was impressive to consider the impact of this one woman on all of the people in the room. I can only imagine that throughout a career in trauma and burn surgery (even a tragically short one in this case) you play an important role in the community as well as in individual's lives. Part of my going was to see what meg's funeral (eventual, i'm not planning anything untoward) would look like. If their friends and coworkers are to be believed meg and marianne were very similar, and i think an apt comparison can be made.

People respect doctors. some of them even deserve it. I had never been to a doctor's service before, and it was touching. particularly for hard working, no nonsense doctors who put their patients before their own family and social obligations at times, it was reassuring to see that people do appreciate their efforts, and they do affect people's lives.

Which is nice, because that's the kind of doctor i married.

The REAL catching up.

I am a bit adrift with thoughts about graduation, and finishing school, preparing (mostly mentally) for student teaching in the fall, and increasing my hours at starbucks. I finished school a little more than a week ago, and I took the week off to celebrate/prepare for graduation. So I have had a lot of free time to finish a novel I was reading, clear off my DVR, and watch some movies on netflix. I've also started a training program with my dog (so we'll see how that goes over the summer). What I have not been doing is thinking about the fact that I am done with school as we (I) know it, and what that feels like.

Apparently, I should have been because that is exactly the question that everyone has for me.

So here it is, my written reflection on graduating/tion:

It doesn't really feel like anything. Yet. The feeling is indeterminate from every other summer vacation of my college career. In fact I had to register for my last batch of classes (student teaching=18units=$3200) the other day. It places an odd significance on things when you realize that it is "the last time" you will do this or that. So finals week was punctuated with a series of these insignificant milestones. The last time I would trudge the 300 yards from/to my car from class, or buy a scantron, or clamor out of a silent lecture hall while struggling to collect my things after taking a test.

These are things I will forget to miss.

I have been doing this in one form or another for 7 years. I have learned mostly that there is not time to learn everything, or even everything you want to, there is only enough time to learn that which is on the test-and a little bit of what is interesting to you.

My graduation day started early. I got up before my alarm at 6:15, put on my flip flops and took the elevator down to the ground floor and jaywalked across six lanes (and a median) to the starbucks I work at. Not to work (i was still in my pj's) but to get some coffee beans for Joy and get my schedule for next week and my tips from last week. I went back home, got dressed, and finished cleaning the apartment. Meg and I went for breakfast at the pancake house, I had some wonderful pecan pancakes, and came home. Since it was Friday, we had to take the dog to the dog park. We had Joy and Mikayla meet us there. The dog and the goddaughter had a good time, and we came home. I changed shirts and grabbed my cap and gown and went to the school. Meg and Joy followed in Joy's car later. I had to coordinate two sets of parents traveling to my school from two different cities in opposite directions, so I got there a little earlier. Although both sets of parents had already arrived.

Other than "fill out this card" we were given no further instructions. I found my good friend Charlene, a fellow prospective biology teacher, nerd, and all around kind human being, and we got into a blob of biology students we kinda recognized from some of our classes. They started the processional and walked us into the "stadium". On the way in, for about 50 ft, the walkway was lined with people throwing armloads of confetti into the air above the graduates.

This was the most magical moment of the whole day. For a brief 50 feet I was filled with such childlike joy that I am at a loss to express. After that it was anticlimactic.

I won't bore you with the details of the ceremony. If you cared about the goings on you would have been there, but really, nobody cares what they say other than your/your loved one's name.

Highlights: During the address I received my results on the state testing from earlier in the semester-the timing was uncanny (I passed, by the way). The announcers were AMAZING, they made every name sound like they were participants in the largest WWF smackdown in history, sooooo awesome.

Then it was over.

My inlaws, my parents, my grandma Lois, Joy and Mikayla all came back to our place to meet all the birds and regroup after the ceremony and before heading back home. It was really fun, grandma Lois had never met Meg's parents, and she enjoyed playing with our bird squeaky. My parents had to go early to make the long drive back before getting stuck in traffic. We went out to dinner with the Kaisers, and then they left. And Miki and Joy stayed into the evening and wore out both me and Wren chasing Miki around.

It was a wonderful day. I was so tired I went to bed at 9:30.

10 years ago I went to Meg's graduation. 7 years ago was Mark's, and 5 years ago Cory graduated. It took a while but its finally my turn. I am catching up.

Catching up.

There have been a few exciting developments since I last posted. The abbreviated list is, new bird, state testing, finals/projects, and graduation.

The new bird in question is seen directly above, with my dad. His name is William. He's a hyacinth macaw, and he is the awesomest bird I have ever seen-and I've seen some birds.

We've had him for about 6 weeks. More on him later, I'm sure.

i wish there were more to say...

At first it was copious amounts of school work that kept me from updating the blog, then it was the holidays, now it is just laziness and disinterest. even on facebook, you may have noticed that while i have occasionally commented on your posts, i have had few interesting things to say of late.

working chronologically forward from my last post, as memory serves...there was a lot of schoolwork, then it was thanksgiving, which i spent a pleasant weekend before the holiday in hanford. Meg was on call the weekend of thanksgiving so i wanted to be home with her-and the dog. We had a nice time, it was supposed to rain but it held off until i got home, which was nice as i took my be-walkered mother (fresh off back surgery) and my grandmother to morro bay for the day. it couldn't have been more perfect weather, and the old gals did pretty good. though i couldn't talk either of them into a canoe ride across the bay. it was a great trip until i was pulled over for speeding in the middle of nowhere on a mostly empty highway, with my mom and grandma in the car (not cool CHP!) mom has photos of all of that on her blog (available on your left)

Then it was finals and school nonsense, interviews, exams, etc. I took it as a compliment when my professor said " you are going to rock those kids' world!" in regards to my future students.

After that my mother-in-law was in town for surgery (at meg's hospital, down the street) so i spent most of that week getting things done around the house, decorating, and visiting her. she did very well, and is fine. we had long talks about classroom management and how it varies from the australia of 40(?) (she may kill me) years ago and today's american methods.

Then it was christmastime! again, meg drew the short straw for the holiday, so i made a whirlwind tour of hanford on christmas eve and then spent christmas afternoon cleaning before meg's family showed up for christmas dinner. first family christmas in our new place, it went very well, much more space than the last time we tried hosting. The big gifts for me this year was a new LCD tv for the living room and an appletv with a netflix membership. I love it, the picture is amazing, and i have been averaging 2 movies a day and my muscles are starting to atrophy. I also got a new universal remote that blows my mind. I love, LOVE, programming remote controls. its such a small tangled little puzzle and when you get it just right it makes your life better. if you want me to come over and program your, just ask!

The dog is incredible (you literally cannot believe anything she tells you). I love her so much, and i can only dimly recall the horrific emptiness of the house between Dory and Wren. I spend a lot of time at home, the burden of being a trophy husband/student i suppose, but she is good company. having never had a puppy before i am fascinated by her development, and she is very clever and ornery, like me, so it gives me something to do. that and clean up after her, she's part tasmanian devil, i swear. we go on lots of walks, i recently gave her all her shots, so we have been taking her out to meet other dogs and get her socialized to them. we've been to the dog park and beach, and she had a great time.

i spent the last two days building a bird cage for our outside finch collection. taller and roomier than the store bought one we were using. plus nobody designs bird cages for ease of cleaning, changing bird papers is annoying, yet the solution is so simple. I thought i could do better, and i think that overall, as a trial run it went pretty smoothly. if i do it again, and i probably will (for different birds), i will use poplar and modify the design slightly, but it works. Also i got to use cordless circular saw, which i am still convinced will someday take my finger, but it was pretty cool to use.

please permit me to post a video, i don't generally like to, but this seems worth sharing. it was on a rainy day in the angel's stadium parking lot.